Once upon a time, when I had slightly more time on my hands and just a smidge more angst, this was a blog that chronicled some of the going-ons in my life. Actually, it was a continuation of a blog I had in college that was vague and situational and drowning in the “depth” that the younger version of me was always so hard up to have. Sort of like when I was in high school and went through that reading all the Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk and Chuck Klosterman books I could get my hands on. Because when you’re sixteen and living in a suburb, the end goal in life is to do everything and anything you can to avoid being sixteen and living in a suburb. I’m not saying this was a bad phase for me at that time to go through. But like all of my phases, I’m just glad it happened relatively early on with an end point included.
Along with that once upon a time scenario about this blog was the other version of me who was actively writing on different sites online. Going to various events and parties in LA after work, talking to everyone there, getting pictures, going home, cranking out articles, getting more pictures from PR contacts and then going to sleep sometime around 1 AM only to wake up the next day at 5 AM and begin the process all over again. Flash forward to the present-day me circa 2014. I get tired more often now especially after the end of a long workday. I’m lucky if I can get an article out once a month at this point. I’m not thrilled about that. I don’t like that. But my priorities are also different now than they were then. I’m just not even sure what to blog about anymore. Ironic considering that in every workplace I’ve ever been in I always have a list of what I could write about or brainstorm on at the ready.
Here’s the thing though. I may not know what to blog about anymore, but I also know there’s a ton of stuff I really don’t want to share with the world either.
Two years ago, I went to a social media conference in San Francisco called Glimpse. They’ve held one every year since then and I love these conferences. They last about for an entire day and are chock full of smart minds from all four corners of the internets speaking out. During one of the afternoon panels, one of the speakers said something that made me feel like everything was pausing all around me. Actually, he said two things that paused the world. The first was the phrase “serendipitous discovery” which I have been sticking into a lot of things I’ve written ever since I first heard it. That was a description of how people like to find things online, with the “wow” factor and that element of surprise included. The second was his vision for the future and how social media would eventually separate us into two groups of people. The first group would still be into it and the second group would eventually pull away entirely. A slow pull, but they would leave and do their own thing, not exactly attracted to all the attention anymore. Aware that the attention was there, sure, but just not feeling it. The moment I heard that, it was like the room stopped all around me. “Aww, shit.” my brain quietly mumbled, “That second group’s gonna include you, isn’t it?”
Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. Ever since that panel though, I’ve noticed a quiet shift in what I write and where it goes. I don’t want to detail all of my problems for the internet to see or blog two part posts on a mental breakdown I’m having or go on a rant against, well, anything really. I see people do that a lot. Some are older than me, some are younger than me. Some do this on sites that jointly tie in with their professional presence which I find to be questionable to some degree. Nothing’s all that secretive anymore or kept personal. We’re a share everything society, for the most part.
What could I share with you about the last week in my life? Ah, but that is also something I tend to guard closely. I know which parts of my life are the best parts to share. All that glossy party and event going swag bag lyfe. The kind where people say the worst sentence ever to you on any social platform: “I wish I had your life!”
No you don’t. No you don’t! You like this version of my life when I present it to you as something pretty and enviable. We all envy someone who is going out there and doing things that look (and probably are) super cool and fun on the surface. But would you envy my life if you had to be me and I mean really be me? Would you have wanted to deal with all the health issues I had earlier this year, when I was basically bouncing around from doctor’s office to doctor’s office every week like a ping pong ball to get this test taken and that test taken and blood drawn here and an ultrasound there? I’m not exactly glamorous when I have goo all over my chest and I’m sitting in a paper gown waiting for test results. It’s not a moment in someone’s life you want. See also: the 9 million dentist appointments coming up in my future because I literally cannot eat a single sweet thing without getting a cavity five minutes later.
Back to what I could share about the last week in my life tho. I could talk about work, but no. I could talk about spending time with my girlfriends, but nah. I could discuss my personal dating life, but maybe not. It doesn’t mean I’m not invested in any of those things because I don’t update the internet on it on a regular basis. All of this is fun and I adore all of the people in my life to bits. What it means is that a lot of my life I like to keep quiet. My heart is like a safe to me. I throw in all the most important stuff, lock it up, put a stronger lock on it, add more locks, and keep on barricading the joint until its exterior is like a piece of iron so nothing inside of it gets hurt. A palm reader once me that my downfall in any relationship will always be that I love too much and that kind of love can scare off some people. She was right. It has, but it also hasn’t and those who it hasn’t frightened are the ones closest to me. If there’s something going down, I’m more likely to text them about it than I am to write a blog post. That is more cathartic to me than generally flailing myself online screaming “OMG FML UGHHHHH WHAT A SHITTY DAY LEMME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT AND DROP NAMES SO YOU KNOW I HATE CERTAIN PEOPLE! AND ALSO CAN FIND OUT WHERE I WORK!!!” and checking in twenty minutes later to see if anyone has acknowledged my feels.
I much prefer talking one on one to the people who get me and get my life. I don’t like the idea that I should be inclined to “perform” to some audience. Blogging can make you feel like that to some degree. Writing more of what resonates with your reader and less that maybe you’re more passionate about, but know doesn’t get everyone to like it or comment. We’ve reached a strange era where seemingly our goal should be to people please and not self please. I think there’s a fair balance of both that can be reached. This fair balance also needs to include privacy to some degree though. I treasure my privacy and being alone.
I just have to know where to find it.
Until then, rut meet Heather, Heather meet rut. I don’t think I’ll be in it for too long. Just writing all of this out was enough to make the wheels start turning faster in my head once more. I’m a big believer in dumping out every word you have inside of you until you have no more to let out and then trying to figure out what to do with them once they’re out. This whole post felt like a dump to me, but that’s okay because it’s been awhile since I’ve really been able to let things go and not even worry about how to make sense of it once it’s out of me.
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times." Oh Paulo Coelho, surely you were secretly alluding to blogging when you wrote this! I’ve definitely fallen a few times this year. Got back up again though because none of those falls killed me. There is strength and goodness to be found in falling, I’ve learned. But I’m also in my twenties and have a shitload more of life ahead of me too. I’m no expert in falling. Some of the worst falls of my life have yet to come. Who can imagine what they will be like when they happen? Maybe I’ll write about them and maybe I won’t. Maybe the blogging bubble will have popped by then.
Life is pretty wild, so we’ll just wait and see what happens.
This movie was exactly what I needed right now. Go forth and watch it.
GO HOME EVERY OTHER COLLECTION THIS SEASON PLS!!!!
If Mad Men took place circa now, Megan Draper would dress like this.
LORD PLS LET SOMEONE WEAR THIS TO THE NEXT VMAS
Sexy “just gotta the shower” looks to try.