Tinderella: A Modern Fairy Tale
I have this one Facebook friend who is hardcore pushing for getting married to her BF by the end of the year/as soon as humanly possible. Every single day, we’ve got a new status related to love and marriage. Goddamn. Slow your roll, will ya? This is not a race. YOU GUYS HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR YET. But we all have a friend like this on Facebook, yes? Multiples even? Yes.
Meanwhile, there’s me. Alternating between being a busy businesswoman by day and laughing/crying in the shower about my student loans by night. Imma dream girl.
Remember when you were a little kid and every girl pretty much knew which Disney princess they were because of hair color? If you were a redhead and liked to swim, boom. It’s under the sea with The Little Mermaid's Ariel for you. The shade of hair our hair was did a lot in helping us find the princess that we felt the most associated with and would find that some of our personality matched as well. It's just one more thing we also have in common. For example, when you're in college every single intelligent brunette who likes to read pegs herself as a Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Every. Single. One.
I used to live in a dormitory with three girls who physically each had a Disney Princess match that also met their personalities fairly spot on as well. I lived with a Belle, Jasmine, and Mulan. Where did I factor into this group?
You couldn’t box me into being assigned just one Disney Princess. I was diagnosed with Multiple Princess Personality Disorder (MPPD). Self-diagnosed, that is. It’s a common affliction I feel girls everywhere have and until this moment, probably didn’t have a voice to speak on their behalf. To feel their pain of not knowing which single name to write down as her favorite and which doll to bring along on a sleepover. Today I’ll speak on behalf of those out there for whom the look a Disney princess had fell short in matching up to your personality and how the ones we least resemble are the most like who we are. A tribute for all fair skinned young ladies everywhere who realized they’d rather go hiking in the woods like Pocahontas than snooze in bed all day like Aurora (from Sleeping Beauty, that was her name, she totally had one and it wasn’t Sleeping Beauty. Surprised?)
Physically, I look the most like…
…Snow White. We share the following traits in common:
-fair pale skin
-very dark hair
-we smile a lot and giggle even more
-soft bodies. There’s some meat on our bones, y’know.
Here’s where we differ:
-her hair is short and pretty much never strays from place. How are you doing that? HOW.
-she is waaay more trusting than I am and much more likely to be seen visiting some random stranger’s home. You don’t have to worry about me exploring an empty house in the woods because I don’t stick myself into situations where there is a possibility of me having to enter any forests. Even if I get lost, I try to ensure it’s within an area where I have cell service. Check and mate.
-she had an evil stepmother that tried to kill her and I had a nice mom who packed me Lunchables in my lunch for school.
-she was really maternal. Like I can’t even fathom doing some of the stuff she did for the dwarves. Cleaning the entire house? Baking an apple pie from scratch? Putting up with Grumpy’s shit? She did it all with a smile too. Like she enjoyed hanging out with strangers and doing everything for them. I mean, it was free rent and protection from getting killed by her stepmother but still. The trade-off is less than ideal.
Physical runner up is…
…Belle. Because we are both brunettes and like to read. Also I feel obligated to put her on this list because Beauty and the Beast was the first movie I saw in the movie theaters when I was 4 years old. If ever there was a first film to see in theaters, I think this one was the perfect choice.
Even though my favorite Disney princess is…
…Cinderella. She has been my favorite forever. I’ve had a lot of Cinderella related injustice in my life, created a life philosophy based off of her, and considered dying my hair blond way too often when I was little.
The injustices included my parents not spending a fortune on a Cinderella Halloween costume for me when I was little which resulted in me shouting at them “You’re ruining my life!” which has been a regular household quote staple for the last decade. Another sadness occurred when the tiny glass slippers that came with my Cinderella Barbie melted in the washing machine after I wore them in my shirt pocket to school and carelessly (carelessly!) threw the shirt into the laundry bin after. Then there was a birthday cake I didn’t get until I was 11 and fought for years to have. Damnit that cake was delicious. They did a sugar picture of her on the top. I must have eaten a slice in my lunch everyday for a solid 2 weeks.
The life philosophy is basically work hard and be optimistic and kind and good things will come to you. I have issues with people who love to drown in self-pity, waa waa waa feel sorry for me and help me figure out my life! Sure Cinderella cried a bunch of times and even went so far as to declare everything as impossible, but that was because her stepsisters ripped her dress up and practically off of her. I say this without exaggeration: it was one of the creepiest and saddest cinematic scenes I witnessed as a child. Worse than when Shadow fell into the vent and almost accepted death in Homeward Bound.
Also was I the only one who thought it was weird that the prince kind of tried to grab her arm and force her to stay when it was after midnight and Cinderella was all, I gotta go? Dude was a little fresh for a first date encounter.
Online tests and quizzes reveal the princess who best matches my personality is…
…Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
It isn’t super surprising actually. We’re both really determined and headstrong and refuse to be told we can’t have the things we want. She’s bubbly and sweet and ready to go on an adventure. She was always looking for a life beyond one that she led and was willing to make sacrifices. That scene where she signs Ursula’s scroll for legs? That was literally like me signing my student loan with Sallie Mae for an education outside of the state I grew up in. I remember actually charging into the room with my pen and brandishing my signature all over the place on the forms. We’ve got fire in our blood, Ariel and I.
For a really long time I didn’t like her though. Why? She gave up her voice for a guy. Sure, he’s totally hot and kind and Jon Hamm may or may not have been the visual inspiration behind him as 30 Rock hinted, but how could you sacrifice your voice for a guy?? My 3rd grade mind was stupefied. 3rd grade me didn’t realize the power of the being ridiculously head over heels in
love lust with someone. Shit happens. Attraction happens. Bad decisions occur from it. You cry a lot and envision a bunch of fantasy if I could do it all over again sequences in your head. You compromise more than you ever suspected you would and when it all goes to shit, decide to never do it like that again. Where am I going with this. I don’t know.
The point is it isn’t about giving up your voice for a guy. It’s about the limits we reach when we love someone or something so much that it makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do. Ariel wanted to be a human before she met Eric so even if he wasn’t in the picture, she would have signed the scroll regardless to get those legs. Not even a crab could deter her plans. Yeah sure, we could write it off with her age (“I’m 16! I’m not a child anymore!”) and the need to rebel against her father’s wishes, but I was the exact same way at that age. Weren’t we all? If set on an idea, nobody could make me think otherwise. Come hell or high water, I’d gun it for that dream and not stop until I was rightfully a part of the world I was meant to be in.
Okay to recap…
I look like Snow White with some Belle tossed in and carry the same attitude of Ariel while remaining a firm believer in the Cinderella life philosophy.
The best of all worlds!