Posts tagged guys

Me: My roommate is moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and his roommates.

Mom: Oh Heather. Well, you’ll meet the right boy for yourself someday.

Me: Oh no I won’t! I have it on good authority I won’t. It’s going to be exactly the way I always thought it would be: everyone paddling off into the sunset in pairs and me struggling with my oars in the boat and not asking for help because I think I can do it alone.

Mom: Whatever you do, don’t marry because you’re lonely. That’s what your dad did (note: my dad married once before he married my mom). He thought he needed someone because he was lonely in the house.

Me: I can’t marry anyone right now! I’m too busy.

Mom: You might have already met the man you’re going to marry and just don’t know it.

Note: That sentence right there? Read it out loud to yourself. IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MINDFUCK OF YOUR LIFE. My god, what if this dude was the kid in kindergarten who had a crush on me? Or some random Subway customer? Or a guy I used to tutor in college? What the what is happening.

Me: OH GOD. What if it was that hot guy in college I had the writing class with???

Mom: Or it could be that boy James who keeps writing all over your Facebook wall.

Me: What?

Mom: Well, you both seem to get along so well.

Me: Mom, he’s my intern. And engaged to marry one of my best friends and former roommate.

Mom: Oh. Well I didn’t know.

Me: Can I not have guy friends anymore.

And now you know where I get my creeping skills from. Runs in the family.

This guy I went to college with who currently lives overseas is writing all this stuff on Facebook about airplanes and airports and carry-ons. As in, sounds like he’s coming back to California. The place he has not been back at for years now.

Briefly: I have this never-ending crush on this dude. I’ll describe him briefly because I have a history of liking guys who are never very good for me and I want to help paint a picture for the audience here:

-very handsome. Tall, disturbingly ripped, brown hair, brown eyes. As in 30 Rock, lives in the bubble handsome. He could order sushi at The Olive Garden and somebody would find a way to get it to him. Calvin Klein would definitely make him an underwear model. Jesus, I sound like a weirdo. Let’s pray he never reads this and figures out I’m talking about him.

-extremely funny. We took a writing class together and used to workshop each other’s work. I loved his sense of humor- it was very self-deprecating and witty, akin to my own (I hope. I always feel weird trying to describe my writing to people, it’s like HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A UNIQUE AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE OF A WRITER.)

-I feel comfortable talking with him and even though he’s lived overseas for like 3 years now, I still keep in touch with him regularly.

-He is good friends with my roommate and grew up in her hometown. She reports that when he was younger he wasn’t so innocent, but we can say that about everyone, can’t we?

-One time I talked with him via Facebook chat when I was drunk. I don’t think he noticed?

-Genuinely nice and not a jerk. This is important. So so important.

-Loves It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Basically I have this wonderful image in my head that I get to see him again and it sparks something between us and good things come out of it and maybe it’s a relationship, maybe not why am I writing that why. The left side of my brain is so incredibly disappointed in me right now.

I need to stop this. This is a guy who used to date Gary Sinise’s daughter for crying out loud. I’m not in the same league (even though she herself is not attractive). I’m not sure what league I’m in actually. I think it’s the whole “I scare guys away because I have a tendency to march into a room and demand things and boss people around” league. But I do have a sweet side. It takes a really long time to get it out, but it’s there.

Also I don’t really own low cut blouses or bronzing lotion so yeah….

Please ignore this post for it is chock-full of crazy,
Heather

And setups and “oh man my good friend just happened to join us to the movies, hey did you know he’s single?” moments. Pretty much anything that starts with the phrase “I think you guys would hit it off!” is doomed with me too.

I’m picky alright? I’ll be the first to say it. There was a study that Malcolm Gladwell did once that referenced blind dating and how when women go in for a blind date, they have a list of criteria in their heads for what they’re looking for and don’t like to fall off that criteria by much if at all. But if they happen to meet someone who isn’t matching up to that list YET they still have insane chemistry together, the list is forgotten in favor of the magnet connection.

That is not how it works for me. Gladwell and the rest of the world needs to do a serious case study on my brain. Crack that sucker open and try to figure out why, why I have the impulse to be just so outright unresponsive or mean to guys. Most of it has to do with the fear thing. I cannot and will not have the time nor the tolerance for guys who are afraid to talk to me or who make half-hearted conversation and fail to keep it going. Or worse, speak to some other girl sitting at the table with us because she’s easier to talk to. Nothing makes me more furious faster. I’m well worth the battle. I’ve been on successful dates before! Not many, but some. But I will rock your world with pop culture references like nobody’s business so I highly recommend fighting to talk to me ahem, men of the world.

I just don’t want to baby guys and walk them through talking to me. I don’t want to be the one constantly keeping the conversation going and poking and prodding at them to respond. And I really don’t want or need the sympathy of anyone who feels bad for me being single. I like being alone. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t, but for the most part I’m good.

It will take a very special kind of man to truly get me. I have no idea who or where or when I will ever meet that person but they’re out there somewhere.

And they need to be able to appreciate that for all of my adultness and grown up behavior, I am all about building a fort in my bed. I am the champion at doing that.

Single and fabulous,
Heather

On Saturday night, my roommate and I began putting together a list of guys that we think are hot. This list-making went its usual route. She likes all the typical dudes that girls in my age group go nuts after (i.e. Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender). I do not.

My own list is completely different. You’ll notice a recurring pattern within it. The guys get increasingly older and the selection gets stranger. And deader.

In no particular order:

Jon Hamm
Ralph Fiennes
Robert Downey Jr.
Viggo Mortensen
James Dean
Johnny Depp
Christoph Waltz
Adrien Brody
Marlon Brando
Clark Gable
Jared Leto
Jason Priestley
Sebastian Stan
Emile Hirsch
Mikhail Baryshnikov
Klaus Kinski
Mark Ronson
Andy Samberg (almost forgot this one!)

I am probably forgetting a million other guys from this list too, but as it stands right now, this is a quality list.