For the better part of my life, I have been told I am intimidating by both men and women alike. And I’m not about to disagree with this presumption made before you get to know me either.
Where the intimidating portion of me began, I don’t know. Maybe it was when I was in grade school reading a book and somebody would ask me what I was reading and rather than tell them, I’d hold up the book so they could read the title for themselves and leave me alone. Some people say it’s in the way I dress. Others say it’s my lipstick, which has been been a daily coat of red for over a decade now. I also like to listen to music a lot and usually have my earbuds in. And then there were other bits and pieces of items tossed in - I have a firm walk, I exhibit male and female characteristics, I’m always working all the time, and my all-time favorite, I look “interesting” but the person who thinks I look interesting “doesn’t know how to approach me.” I don’t really know or get it. I tend to see my future as something to grab onto and reign in for myself and know that at the end of the day, it’s what I do and how I do it that gets me there. Stopping to talk to some basic ass dude at the bus stop who gets huffy when I don’t immediately hand him an award for saying hello to me isn’t going to get me where I need to be.
Over the years, the harder I have worked and continue to keep working has reaped in its share of recognition and benefits. One of the interesting aspects of being quoted in articles online or in having your work published on a consistent basis and sharing said pieces on your various social networking accounts is that you notice who likes certain things and who doesn’t. My interest is piqued the most at the kinds of guys I know who like these stories. I like to share what I’m doing and how I’m doing it because it makes me proud. It’s hard work and it pays off on a regular basis. But I have never been the kind of girl where “the thirst is real.” I’m not a manic pixie dream. I don’t write statuses filled with “yaaaaaaaays!!!!” and those irritating hearts with the number 3 included or tweet some half assed tweet like “I miss” and let you fill in the blank with some assorted thought you think I might be having. I have the bangs and the big eyes, but I also have a mouth that will sooner tell you to get your ass off the couch and do something with your life before encouraging you to keep on dicking around with your guitar, strumming that g chord all afternoon long.
I only have a handful of guy friends (barely at that) who are consistently supportive of me and what I do. And the feeling is quite mutual back. A slightly larger group that extends beyond the handful seemingly comes and goes depending on who they’re dating at the time or getting involved with. (Which is also weird to me because I’m the last person who would ever serve as a romantic threat to a relationship but then again I have never been on the “let’s have a baby!” train and a firm believer in multiple soulmates for years now so maybe that’s like a thing people in long term relationships get weird about idk digressing here.) When I tell a guy I either liked at one point or another something good that happened to me and their response back is muted, if even at that, it makes me feel… not necessarily sad, but more like what I did didn’t register or matter to them at all.
But then I snap out of it because I am me. Do I really want to be with someone who could not be genuinely excited for me when I work hard and it pays off? For whom my success threatens them to some degree? I’m not going to step back into the shadows so the guy can take the center stage. That’s bullshit! There is not one fiber of my being that would allow that or take it going quietly! The stage can be best shared by the person who matches me and complements who I am and is equally at ease with hard work and moving onward and upward. And until that moment occurs, I’m here for doing my own thing and being my own lady. Also here for it if it does not happen either.
Maybe I’ll be a hot chambermaid in my next life getting all those thirsty lords running after me begging me to show them my ankles or something. But until then, all you need to know is that I’m so much less intimidating when you get a couple of gin and tonics in me. So when in doubt on reaching out, pour one out and we’ll make a smashing (ha, literally) pair together.
Me: My roommate is moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and his roommates.
Mom: Oh Heather. Well, you’ll meet the right boy for yourself someday.
Me: Oh no I won’t! I have it on good authority I won’t. It’s going to be exactly the way I always thought it would be: everyone paddling off into the sunset in pairs and me struggling with my oars in the boat and not asking for help because I think I can do it alone.
Mom: Whatever you do, don’t marry because you’re lonely. That’s what your dad did (note: my dad married once before he married my mom). He thought he needed someone because he was lonely in the house.
Me: I can’t marry anyone right now! I’m too busy.
Mom: You might have already met the man you’re going to marry and just don’t know it.
Note: That sentence right there? Read it out loud to yourself. IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MINDFUCK OF YOUR LIFE. My god, what if this dude was the kid in kindergarten who had a crush on me? Or some random Subway customer? Or a guy I used to tutor in college? What the what is happening.
Me: OH GOD. What if it was that hot guy in college I had the writing class with???
Mom: Or it could be that boy James who keeps writing all over your Facebook wall.
Mom: Well, you both seem to get along so well.
Me: Mom, he’s my intern. And engaged to marry one of my best friends and former roommate.
Mom: Oh. Well I didn’t know.
Me: Can I not have guy friends anymore.
And now you know where I get my creeping skills from. Runs in the family.
This guy I went to college with who currently lives overseas is writing all this stuff on Facebook about airplanes and airports and carry-ons. As in, sounds like he’s coming back to California. The place he has not been back at for years now.
Briefly: I have this never-ending crush on this dude. I’ll describe him briefly because I have a history of liking guys who are never very good for me and I want to help paint a picture for the audience here:
-very handsome. Tall, disturbingly ripped, brown hair, brown eyes. As in 30 Rock, lives in the bubble handsome. He could order sushi at The Olive Garden and somebody would find a way to get it to him. Calvin Klein would definitely make him an underwear model. Jesus, I sound like a weirdo. Let’s pray he never reads this and figures out I’m talking about him.
-extremely funny. We took a writing class together and used to workshop each other’s work. I loved his sense of humor- it was very self-deprecating and witty, akin to my own (I hope. I always feel weird trying to describe my writing to people, it’s like HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A UNIQUE AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE OF A WRITER.)
-I feel comfortable talking with him and even though he’s lived overseas for like 3 years now, I still keep in touch with him regularly.
-He is good friends with my roommate and grew up in her hometown. She reports that when he was younger he wasn’t so innocent, but we can say that about everyone, can’t we?
-One time I talked with him via Facebook chat when I was drunk. I don’t think he noticed?
-Genuinely nice and not a jerk. This is important. So so important.
-Loves It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Basically I have this wonderful image in my head that I get to see him again and it sparks something between us and good things come out of it and
maybe it’s a relationship, maybe not why am I writing that why. The left side of my brain is so incredibly disappointed in me right now.
I need to stop this. This is a guy who used to date Gary Sinise’s daughter for crying out loud. I’m not in the same league (even though she herself is not attractive). I’m not sure what league I’m in actually. I think it’s the whole “I scare guys away because I have a tendency to march into a room and demand things and boss people around” league. But I do have a sweet side. It takes a really long time to get it out, but it’s there.
Also I don’t really own low cut blouses or bronzing lotion so yeah….
Please ignore this post for it is chock-full of crazy,
And setups and “oh man my good friend just happened to join us to the movies, hey did you know he’s single?” moments. Pretty much anything that starts with the phrase “I think you guys would hit it off!” is doomed with me too.
I’m picky alright? I’ll be the first to say it. There was a study that Malcolm Gladwell did once that referenced blind dating and how when women go in for a blind date, they have a list of criteria in their heads for what they’re looking for and don’t like to fall off that criteria by much if at all. But if they happen to meet someone who isn’t matching up to that list YET they still have insane chemistry together, the list is forgotten in favor of the magnet connection.
That is not how it works for me. Gladwell and the rest of the world needs to do a serious case study on my brain. Crack that sucker open and try to figure out why, why I have the impulse to be just so outright unresponsive or mean to guys. Most of it has to do with the fear thing. I cannot and will not have the time nor the tolerance for guys who are afraid to talk to me or who make half-hearted conversation and fail to keep it going. Or worse, speak to some other girl sitting at the table with us because she’s easier to talk to. Nothing makes me more furious faster. I’m well worth the battle. I’ve been on successful dates before! Not many, but some. But I will rock your world with pop culture references like nobody’s business so I highly recommend fighting to talk to me ahem, men of the world.
I just don’t want to baby guys and walk them through talking to me. I don’t want to be the one constantly keeping the conversation going and poking and prodding at them to respond. And I really don’t want or need the sympathy of anyone who feels bad for me being single. I like being alone. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t, but for the most part I’m good.
It will take a very special kind of man to truly get me. I have no idea who or where or when I will ever meet that person but they’re out there somewhere.
And they need to be able to appreciate that for all of my adultness and grown up behavior, I am all about building a fort in my bed. I am the champion at doing that.
Single and fabulous,