I don’t like what I’m about to write next but I have to do it because this is, after all, my blog and sometimes I have thoughts and feelings that at the core I prefer to keep internal but there is a strange worry somewhere buried in my head that the longer I keep doing that, and the longer I keep trying to pretend that I’m not upset about little things that keep adding up, the worse it will get to be in the long run for me.
Valentine’s Day yesterday grated at me in a way that I’ve never truly felt before. I’ve never been too fond of that holiday, but now that I’m 25 and watching people get married and engaged in droves all around me it feels progressively more and more focused on making people who are not in relationships feel like sacks of shit. And I can write this one off with little quips on Facebook about wine being the best Valentine (teeheehee, oh how droll, Heather Anne!) and I can wave my singlehood of awesomeness flag high in the fucking sky, but it doesn’t change the fact that at the core of it all I was, and still am, stupidly jealous of everyone who got to celebrate that day with somebody they love. And it’s not the material things that I’m jealous of either like roses and dinners and champagne (though those are all quite nice and one should never speak ill of any of that). It’s the bond between two people that I crave. I’d like to be with my match. And even though I’m still quite young and it feels stupid to write, I get scared that it’s not going to happen sometimes. It reminds me of being in grade school all over again with my last name almost at the end of the alphabet and being one of the last people to be chosen for sports. Like, why do I have to be the one to wait? Why does everyone around me get to be with somebody and I don’t? Why do I always have to be the single girl at the table alone? Why is it that any moment in my life when I’m not working and attempting to enjoy myself on an extracurricular level, the universe immediately steps in and severs that joy for me - nope, nope, Heather, back to work with you! My entire life I’ve felt lightyears beyond most people when it comes to working, but like a kindergartner with relationships. I get nervous about my personal life a lot because so often I sweep it under the rug in favor of work because work is what I know and the personal side of me is a lot tougher to dig out.
This all being said, I have thought about where I am now and where I want to be carefully for some time now. There is a leap that needs to be made in order to grow and I have to make it and preferably sooner rather than later because this is my life, you know?
Come June, when my lease is up, I want to move to San Francisco.
I’m not going to grow if I stay in Calabasas, even for another year. I can do my job and do it well on a telecommuting basis. I don’t need to be in the office. I don’t fit the office culture either because I’m not in my 40’s and I don’t want to talk to you about your children or what your dinner plans are for the night. I am tired of living in an area where in order to get anywhere significant you need a car and I’m tired of waiting half an hour every evening and morning for a bus that only comes once an hour when in a larger city I could have been home by then or at least got a bus to come on 15 minute rotation basis. I am tired of how very little stimulating culture there is around me. I’ve also noted that to live out here for another year is about the exact same price as a small apartment in SF would be.
A good friend of mine pointed out a wonderful fact when I was with her the other weekend and quietly panicking about my future. Her point was that if it didn’t work out in the city, I could always move back. This is true. There is no rule that says that I can’t return (though I’d rather not, but y’know.)
Mostly I just want to see what my life could become and where I could take myself because at this point, that’s the only person I’m currently accountable for. Since that’s the case, I might as well take advantage of it for as long as I can. I know I’d be a good fit for SF because I love it so much. I love it more than any other city I’ve been to thus far and the way it’s laid out - walking everywhere and exploring all day and the bookstores and the bay and the winds and the lack of snow. Maybe I could even get a roommate out there for the first year. And financially speaking, I’m better for it now than I was three years ago when I first thought I’d be living and working out there.
I don’t know. Everything’s a big question mark in my life right now and I think I’m the only one holding myself back sometimes. Fear of the unknown, pressure from my family that out of sight at the company means out of mind and then getting laid off as a result (which is really fucking stupid because I am the last person who wouldn’t bust my ass at work), my student loans, etc. There are so many excuses I’m making because leaving the little cocoon I know will be hard. But the thing is that I’m not the only person doing this either.
What is my problem?
What am I waiting for?
(Why am I publishing this.)