Ugh, I still remember the time in high school when I was going through that phase when I was reading Chuck Klosterman and Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk books ‘round the clock and thought that I was like, supremely mature for my age and I had a theory that the more I kept reading these books the more I’d wind up becoming so very jaded from the world around me in that way that only a sheltered suburban girl with zero hardship in her life romanticizes fiction to be akin to her own existence. Thankfully, The Onion showed up senior year and got me back on the right track again where I was laughing at everything and felt quite happy not to be a creepy ’80s yuppie with substance abuse problems who saw everything in shards and fragments in life.
To be fair though, this book had maybe two decent chapters in it so I can’t fully rag on it too much. (The introduction is one of ‘em.)
Flashback Friday moment du jour.
When I was 13, I had an identity crisis. I woke up one morning and knew nothing about myself. I didn’t know what I liked or believed in or stood for and felt like all of the things that had influenced me thus far in life were all of the wrong things. I was panicked about my future and what I wanted to do with my life and felt like everything was caving in and crashing down all around me. For the next three years, I went through a phase I like to refer to as my angry years. I challenged everything and everyone that I could. I read a lot and the more banned/adult themed the book, the more inclined I was to pick it up. I explored different religions and political leanings. “Thinking outside of the box” was the phrase most people used to describe me. I yelled way too much and wore a frown on my face like it was my job. My parents and I fought a lot and I had a pretty sassy mouth with them too. I was perpetually clad in black. I went on long walks alone many days to think (and sometimes because my mother would kick me out of the house so it was a good way to cool down for two hours or so when I eventually came back). And I wrote a lot, which has long been my means of self expression and how I get out feelings I have buried deep inside of myself. (None of that writing will ever, EVER, see the light of day. Ever. I need to go home and burn some of my old diaries, actually.)
All in all, it was an interesting time in my life and one that even though I was seen as a loose cannon during it, I’m glad I went through the phase and certainly at that age because I started working two jobs at 16 which shaped me quite a bit and pulled me out of that phase fast. Anyways, this was one of my favorite songs in and around this time period. Cradle of Filth’s “Nymphetamine.”* Which does feature guest vocal from the lovely Liv Kristine, who still remains one of my favorite female vocalists today so it’s nice that I still tote around bits and pieces of my past here and there into my present.
*Younger Heather could she was such a hardcore badass listening to CoF.