Me: My roommate is moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and his roommates.
Mom: Oh Heather. Well, you’ll meet the right boy for yourself someday.
Me: Oh no I won’t! I have it on good authority I won’t. It’s going to be exactly the way I always thought it would be: everyone paddling off into the sunset in pairs and me struggling with my oars in the boat and not asking for help because I think I can do it alone.
Mom: Whatever you do, don’t marry because you’re lonely. That’s what your dad did (note: my dad married once before he married my mom). He thought he needed someone because he was lonely in the house.
Me: I can’t marry anyone right now! I’m too busy.
Mom: You might have already met the man you’re going to marry and just don’t know it.
Note: That sentence right there? Read it out loud to yourself. IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MINDFUCK OF YOUR LIFE. My god, what if this dude was the kid in kindergarten who had a crush on me? Or some random Subway customer? Or a guy I used to tutor in college? What the what is happening.
Me: OH GOD. What if it was that hot guy in college I had the writing class with???
Mom: Or it could be that boy James who keeps writing all over your Facebook wall.
Mom: Well, you both seem to get along so well.
Me: Mom, he’s my intern. And engaged to marry one of my best friends and former roommate.
Mom: Oh. Well I didn’t know.
Me: Can I not have guy friends anymore.
And now you know where I get my creeping skills from. Runs in the family.